When Pain Feels Familiar: Why We Miss People Who Hurt Us
Have you ever found yourself missing someone—even after they’ve hurt you deeply? Whether it’s a toxic ex, a dismissive friend, or a parent whose love felt conditional, this emotional confusion is more common than you think. At Mindful Insights Psychotherapy, we work with many clients in individual therapy who ask:
“Why do I still miss someone who caused me so much pain?”
Let’s unpack the psychology behind it.
🔁 The Role of Trauma Bonds
When pain is intertwined with affection, a trauma bond can form. These bonds are common in relationships where love is inconsistent or manipulative.
Think: gaslighting, hot-and-cold affection, emotional blackmail.
Your nervous system gets used to waiting for the “good moment” after the bad—not because it’s healthy, but because it’s familiar.
🧠 Attachment Wounds: When the Past Repeats
Our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from love. If love was tied to anxiety or rejection growing up, we may seek similar patterns later in life—not out of desire, but out of conditioning.
That’s why some toxic relationships feel like “home.” You're not attracted to the pain—you're responding to an unresolved emotional blueprint.
💭 Nostalgia Is Not Always Honest
Your memory is a storyteller, and it can romanticize the past, especially when you're feeling lonely. You remember the good moments, and minimize the emotional toll.
In therapy, we often work with clients to reframe these idealized memories and validate the pain that was present, even when it felt invisible.
🕊️ What We Miss Isn’t Always the Person
Sometimes we’re grieving:
The feeling of being chosen
The comfort of predictability, even when harmful
The potential of what we hoped the relationship would become
Understanding this helps us break the illusion and return to reality with compassion.
💡 Healing Starts with Awareness
Missing someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you’re stuck—it means you're human.
Therapy can help you:
✅ Unpack trauma bonds and attachment injuries
✅ Build secure connections in place of old patterns
✅ Develop self-worth that doesn’t depend on external validation
✅ Explore relationship therapy if these patterns are showing up with your partner
✨ Final Thoughts: You Deserve Safe Love
It’s okay to miss someone who wasn’t good for you. It’s okay to grieve someone who couldn’t love you in the way you needed.
At Mindful Insights Psychotherapy in Mississauga, we help you heal the parts of you that are still trying to make sense of the past. Whether through individual therapy or trauma-informed approaches, we support you in reconnecting with your sense of safety, trust, and worth.
Ready to move forward?
📩 Contact us today to begin your healing journey.
